With transfer deadline approaching fast this Friday, Gareth Johnson gives THFC1882 his unique and funny viewpoint of who the likely candidates are to leave and how he would approach the job:
Look behind the pesto AVB, look behind the pesto!
Every week, usually early doors on a Saturday, I approach my fridge, open the door and stare inside. At this point in the week, it is fairly empty and I can see the contents clearly. No yoghurt’s blocking a direct view to the grapes. No jam jars covering an errant piece of cheese. I can see, clearly. As I peer inside I look for signs of ageing, look for signs of items that are past their best and if the eye does not detect the problem .. the nose will.
Out goes the food that didn’t quite make it into a meal that week. There is a tinge of disappointment when this happens. Why did I buy it when realistically, that food item didn’t quite fit into the meal plan for the week. Idiotic. Wasteful. I chastise myself. It won’t happen again.
Then there is the food that looks a little withered. It might be the strawberries. Scottish this week. Bitter the wife called them. Alright I thought. I have put them out for the birds. The birds don’t even eat them. When it comes to eggs, they are stamped. I know to check the date. A day past and they are a goner. Out for the hedgehogs that roam by garden after dark. I know not whether hedgehogs eat eggs .. but it is the thought that counts. I swiftly have decimated the leftovers in the fridge. I then jump in my car, head to Asda, and buy the new produce. I will be tempted by agents – “Sir, would you like to try this new product?” – the deals – “50% off this week” and the packaging. If it looks good, it must be good. Right? I have no doubt that when AVB got the keys to the fridge, he did exactly the same as well.
So as AVB stared into the cavernous fridge at White Hart Lane this is what he saw:
Gomes – the slightly exotic food you buy, try for a while, sometimes it is good but in the main, you know it isn’t really your cup of tea.
Dawson – the loaf of bread! Dependable. Does a job. A favourite, you have it in your diet every week, but not sexy like a Panini or any of those other foreign breads. Not quite stale .. but unlikely to get better. Still.
Bassong – the French mustard of the fridge. You remember you bought it, quite expensive, used it in your cooking for a year, and it was very good, but your diet as changed and it doesn’t quite fit.
JJ – old strawberry Jam, Asda Smart Price. Is it still there? Really? It hasn’t already been thrown away. Surely this time .. nah, go on, keep it another week. It didn’t cost too much and you know what? If I need emergency jam .. it will do the job.
Pienaar – the pesto of the fridge. It sits on the top shelf. You know it is quality, you have tasted the quality before, you know restaurants can use it, but now you have bought, it seems forgotten, eventually goes moudly. Annoyingly, next time you go to the restaurant, they will use it and it will be lovely.
Bentley – keeping up with the Jones’s, you bought that English Sparkling Wine, even Sir Alan Sugar talks about it. Sure is expensive .. but it is English and there is premium. Total let down. Throw away when no one is looking.
Gio – this is the in vogue food you buy because it was in a cook book. If they have it in Barcelona, it has to be right for North London right? Everyone else seems to get some use out of it but try as you might .. you just cannot work out how to make it work.
Defoe – The food that flatters to deceive. The English mustard perhaps? Everyone tells you it is brilliant, it definitely accompanies a good steak, but you never use it much, and that means it doesn’t taste as good once you do use it. Perhaps I am using it wrong? Perhaps it shouldn’t be in the fridge?
The next challenge AVB has, once he has deduced which foods to get rid of, is the food that he wants. The problem is, and I have this with my wife, who is the chef? Is it me, or the wife? Is it AVB, or Mr Levy? Will Mr Levy buy some Belgium chocolate when you prefer Cadbury’s? Does AVB prefer Portugese Rose when all you can afford that week is Icelandic beer?
Then, the guests are coming round at 6pm, the shops shut at 5pm .. and you still haven’t finished your shopping. Disaster potentially awaits ….
Gareth ( @GMMJohnson on Twitter )
A big thank you to Gareth for his great article and interesting twist on the transfer window. We all wait with baited breath who AVB picks off the supermarket shelves come 11pm Friday evening.